Jealousy

Template:Close Relationships Template:Emotion Editor-In-Chief: C. Michael Gibson, M.S., M.D. [1]

Overview

Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat.

According to many authors, jealousy is a complex emotion, meaning that it is not possible to provide a simple and immediate description of it, as it would be for “basic” emotions like joy or anger. A definition that expresses this character of complexity is “a cognitive elaboration of basic emotions” (Prinz, 2004, p. 93). This means that the experience of jealousy as felt by humans appears to be not merely sensory, showing some characters of rational elaboration and instinct. In addition, it is a common fact that the experience of jealousy can last much longer than the one of a basic emotion like anger, without losing its original intensity.

Etymology

The word stems from the French jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), in turn from the Greek word ζήλος (zelos), sometimes "jealousy", but more often in a good sense "emulation, ardour, zeal" (with a root connoting "to boil, ferment"; or "yeast").

Occurrence of Jealousy

Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships. It has been reported in every culture and in many forms where researchers have looked. It has been observed in infants as young as 5-6 months old and in adults over 65 years old.

It has been an enduring topic of interest for scientists, artists, and theologians. Psychologists have proposed several models of the processes underlying jealousy and have identified individual differences that influence the expression of jealousy. Sociologists have demonstrated that cultural beliefs and values play an important role in determining what triggers jealousy and what constitutes socially acceptable expressions of jealousy. Biologists have identified factors that may unconsciously influence the expression of jealousy. Artists have explored the theme of jealousy in photographs, paintings, movies, songs, plays, poems, and books. Theologians have offered religious views of jealousy based on the scriptures of their respective faiths. Despite its familiarity, however, people define jealousy in different ways.

The word "jealousy" is frequently used to describe what is more properly envy, fixation on what someone else has.

Basics of Jealousy

A picture of jealousy

Authors usually concentrate their studies on interpersonal jealousy or even on the narrower scope of sexual jealousy. Defining jealousy is tough. This is due to the difficulty of finding the necessary and sufficient conditions for jealousy to happen. So, when authors talk about jealousy, they try to provide the most general picture of it gathering the traits through which jealousy manifests itself. I will use the concept of “definition” to refer to this kind of description. Parrott makes use of the cause of jealousy to define it. He says “jealousy is an emotion experienced when a person is threatened by the loss of an important relation with another person” (Parrot, 2001, p. 313). After, he defines it also as “a type of anxious insecurity following from the perception of threat to a relation” which sustains the jealous’ self (Parrot, 2001, p. 314). Differently, Prinz (2004, p. 93) says that jealousy is a “non basic emotion”, meaning that “it is combination of basic emotions with other mental states that are not emotions”. His statement has a foundation on the concept of basic and non basic emotions, which he takes from Plutchik. Prinz (2004, p. 93) suggests that jealousy “contains anger, sadness, disgust” (basic emotions), “all brought together by the belief that one’s lover has been unfaithful” (mental state). Further, Goldie says jealousy is a passion, focusing his definition on the effects of jealousy, which “frequently get out of control” (2000, p. 229). These difference of approach manifest the fact that the experience of jealousy has an impact on our feeling and acting so broad that it is suitable for a multidisciplinary approach.

Describing jealousy, illustrating the circumstance in which it happens is indeed easier and more profitable than trying to define it. Many authors agree on the fact that jealousy is a three-party relation: the jealous person, the lover and the rival. With three characters, there are three different relation to describe: the jealous-lover's, the lover-rival's, the rival-jealous'. Going through all of them separately, the basic traits of jealousy will come out. The relation between the jealous person and the lover is love. Love comes always with a touch of possessiveness. If possessiveness predominates among all other traits of love, jealousy becomes “ethically unjustifiable” because it “involves treating the other person as a possession” (Goldie, 2000, p. 232). It could be interesting to assess whether loving implies being jealous of the object of love. If possessiveness alone can generate jealousy, then this emotion can exist even if the lover is not a person. Such a kind of jealousy is showed in the following example. You are a child and your little brother finds an old toy somewhere in the room you share, and start to play with it. As soon as you realize that it is yours, you want it immediately back, even if you didn’t want to use it at that moment, he is not damaging or consuming it and, most of all, you forgot you had that toy until the moment you saw it in his hands. You don’t want anybody to play with your things; absurdly you prefer it to remain buried under dust than being used by someone else. You are jealous of your toys and your jealousy arises from a powerful feeling of possession.

The relation between lover and the rival is the element responsible for the “fear of loss” (Parrot, 2001, p. 313). present in jealousy. It can be a relation of the same kind with respect to the one existing between the jealous and the lover. In this case, we face sexual jealousy. This kind of jealousy is the most explored. In this case, jealousy consists in what of worse ??? can be felt and thought when the lover undertakes a new tie which implies the shift of the time and resources he or she used to dedicate to the jealous in favour of the rival. This is, for example, being jealous of the lover because of one of his/her colleague (meaning that the colleague is the rival). But, there’s also the possibility of being jealous of the lover’s job. In this case, even if there’s no possibility for a sexual betrayal, still the threat of loss stands, in the time the lover will spend in the office instead that with the jealous. The most important characteristics of the relation between lover and rival is that it can be entirely or partially imaginary. This is a key aspect to consider and will be discussed further.

The relation between the rival and the jealous person is difficult to assess. To do this, it is necessary to imagine a situation of jealousy in different scenarios that differ only for the relation existing between jealous and rival. Let’s say, the jealous’ wife has betrayed him: 1) with his best friend, 2) with the president of his company, 3) with another woman, 4) with a perfect stranger. Situation 2 and 4 only differ with respect to the social position of the rival, who in situation 2 has a strong position and some influence on the jealous. The emotion felt would be probably the same, but the reaction would be very different. In situation 2, in fact, a sense of impotency and sheepishness would prevail and block any reaction of the jealous toward the rival. Of course, there would be cases when the jealous would decide to do anyway something, engaging a fight with the rival. This indeed depends on his personality. Anyway, this action would be the result of a rationally pondered decision about the effect of such a reaction (lose his job, ban from the community…). In situation 4 everything would be “easier” and there would be less inhibition to the anger toward the rival. Situation 1 would be harder to face. In fact, it represents a double betrayal and the emotional shock would be much harder to bear. Here the jealous is losing the special and exclusive relation with the lover and with his friend, he can feel isolated with a sense of disgust for what happened behind him. Situation 3 would be probably the easiest to digest. In this case, the attention of the partner is lost but it doesn’t go anywhere else. The new relation is different. Here it is not possible to talk of jealousy, similarly to the case in which the partner would die; in those two cases, in facts, the lover does not engage a new relation of the same kind of the one he had with the jealous person.

These examples aim to show how people react to jealousy depending on their character and their emotional strength, meaning the way one copes with the difficulties of life preserving his equilibrium and serenity. The character of the jealous person is the factor that distinguishes situation 2 and 4. It is a common fact that the true social role of jealous and rival is a second order cause of this difference, being of prime importance the way the jealous elaborate the social “hierarchy” through his personal character. Situation 1 and 3 imply a strong impact on the emotional equilibrium of the jealous person, so the critical factor is the emotional strength with which he faces the situation.

It is possible to conclude that two traits were found, possessiveness and fear of loss, that identify jealousy. Possessiveness is necessary for jealousy, for as it is always present either as a degenerate aspect of love or as an independent trait. But, without a menace threatening the proximity with the lover, jealousy cannot occur. So the couple possessiveness – fear of loss seems to include the essence of jealousy. Once jealousy starts off, it evolves further, being the origin of thoughts and actions which are still part of the experience of jealousy. So the two character of jealousy found till now are not sufficient to define jealousy completely. The discussion about the relation between the jealous person and rival tries to investigate what happens after jealousy is generated. In this second phase, the jealous person has an active role and factors like his character and his emotional strength become important. This is the point where a comparison with envy is necessary, to understand the role of aspects like self esteem in jealousy, not to confuse the emotion under study with envy and to achieve the purpose of define some borders between the two.

A comparison of jealousy and envy

Envy and jealousy are distinct in their object (Goldie, 2000, p. 221). Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (nonmalicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy) (Parrot, 2001, p. 309). A comparison between jealousy and envy can be carried out in order to understand their differences and similarities. Possible objects of love can be possible objects of jealousy; possible object of self esteem can be possible object of envy. Love and self esteem, which appear to be the main reasons for the two emotions, are extremely positive values, so that there could be some good in envy and jealousy. In fact, nonmalicious envy can “motivate people to improve themselves” (Parrot, 2001, p. 309). Moreover, jealousy can be the proof of passionate love, as an emotion that is appreciated by the partner thus strengthening the love relation. There are degenerate aspects of both emotions: possessiveness for love and self-indulgence for self esteem. Those can yield to destructive behaviours and feelings like the lover’s segregation in jealousy and the schadenfreude (joy for another’s misfortune) in envy.

While the origin of jealousy is still under discussion, the origin of envy has been well established. Parrott (2001, p. 308) says it originates from “a social comparison”, Goldie, from “a comparison of ourselves with the other person” (2000, p. 222). Envy can be considered a vice, meaning something that is always bad to be condemned anyway. This consideration comes up from the fact that very seldom (if not ever) the observation of another person’s success or achievement is free from any sort of hostility. Because of this, one could foster the inhibition of envy, control or disapprove it completely. But, as said before, envy can also be a drive for improvement, exactly as said for jealousy when it was considered as a passion.

It has been proved that envy has an important role in society, a so strong influence on human facts that “there are crimes of envy, politics based on envy, institutions designed to regulate envy and powerful motives for avoiding being envied by others” (Parrot, 2001, p. 308). Nothing of that kind has been said of jealousy. Envy share with jealousy its characteristics of nonbasic emotion (Prinz, 2004, p. 93). Parrott finds in it, among others, frustrate desire, inferiority, resentment of fate. With respect of this last emotional experience, the author says that there is a component of “love of justice” in it, explained with the fact that “we are more angry at undeserved than at deserved good fortune” (2001, p. 310).

After all these consideration, envy and jealousy appear to be pretty different. So why they are often confused? Goldie says they are “closely related” (200, p. 221). There is indeed a common characteristic in them, they are complex and can come in many forms. They originate from the fact that humans are capable of having emotions but also thought, feelings, emotions about emotions (Goldie, 2000, p. 239). This is the essence of the complex nature of jealousy and envy. Further, their qualitative character is similar. In fact, jealousy and envy share some of the basic emotions they are made of: anger, fear, sadness, anxiety. Those are very powerful and have a monopolizing effect on the perception faculties of a person. One could easily notice that, when real anger is experienced, it doesn’t really matter the emotional or rational process that yielded to that state of anger. People involved in envy or jealousy don’t distinguish between them because at some point of the emotional experience they are indistinguishable.

Given that, even for an external observer it could be difficult to distinguish envy and jealousy. This is related in part to the way these two emotions can be generated. Imagine a relation between a man and a woman who are very old friends. He has a secret feeling of love for her, fed by the good times they spent together and by the many occasion of complicity and exclusive intimacy. The way the man perceive their relation is in part related to his imagination; in addition, suppose that there had never been episodes of sex intimacy. Now the woman is about to marry another person. The man is very upset. He’s angry, he feels betrayed. He wanted to be the person sharing the same bed with the woman. He feels frustrated. He thinks it’s unfair that another enjoys the maximum expression of an exclusive relation he thinks he has a right to. We find the three protaginists forming the lover-rival-jealous triangle. There is a claim for love from the jealous person that is not shared by the counterpart, this claim of love being strongly affected by possessiveness. In addition, the man feels resentment because the other person will have something he hasn’t, he desired and he thought he had the right to have. This example shows clearly that sometimes it is hard to separate envy and jealousy, either because the circumstances in which those emotions are generated can stimulate both of them either because their qualitative character is similar.

To summarize, it is possible to distinguish envy and jealousy from a conceptual point of view, because they show different constitutive traits. Jealousy is the fear of loss for something one has and is very important for one, envy is the will to overcome a lack arising from the comparison with someone else. These two statements do not provide an exhaustive characterization of the two emotions, but specify two different necessary condition for jealousy and envy. The confusion arise from the fact that these two conditions can happen at the same time, as shown in the last example. Secondly, it could be hard for the person experiencing jealousy or envy to distinguish them because of the phenomenological elements they share: anger, anxiety, fear and so on. Regarding the role of self esteem in jealousy, we can conclude that it is much more prominent in envy so that we can neglect it when we talk about jealousy in this analysis. At this point, the picture is sufficiently clear to go into the debate about the nature of jealousy.

The nature of jealousy, innate and cultural elements

As said formerly, jealousy is more than a mere, sudden emotion. It consist in an entire “emotional episode” including the circumstances that lead up to jealousy, jealousy itself as emotion, any attempt at self regulation, subsequent actions and events and the resolution of the episode (Parrott, 2001, p. 306). There’s a complex “narrative” behind jealousy (Parrott, ibidem), as it is perceived and thought by the jealous. The origin of this narrative is extremely relevant to understand the nature of jealousy. The narrative can originate from experienced facts, thoughts, perceptions, memories, but also imagination, guess and assumptions. The more society and culture matter in the formation of these factors, the more jealousy can have a social and cultural origin. By contrast, Goldie (2000, p. 228) shows how jealousy can be a “cognitively impenetrable state”, where education and rational belief matter very little.

What a cognitively impenetrable state is can be effectively explained by this example. Imagine being a climber, dangling from a rock face over a precipice. The rope you are tied to is very thin so you are almost paralyzed by the fear of falling down. Besides being a climber, you are also a material scientist and you know that the rope is made of a material so strong that it cannot break for any reason. Nevertheless, you still are terrorized by the possibility of a break. Rational evidence cannot help you to feel safer because the state of fear in this example is cognitively impenetrable.

This was to introduce a consideration about the origin of jealousy. An argument in favour of the innate origin of jealousy is found in evolutionary psychology. They say, jealousy evolved in order to maximize the success of our genes. In brief, jealousy is a biological based emotion (Prinz after Buss and Larsen, 2004, p. 120) selected to foster the certainty about the paternity of one’s own offspring. A jealous behaviour, in men, is directed into avoiding sexual betrayal and a consequent waste of resources and effort in taking care of some else’s offspring.

Upon this consideration, there would be a difference between men’s and women’s jealousy, the former being directed against sexual infidelity, the latter against emotional infidelity . Goldie (2000, p. 233) asserts, after Hume, that since today we have the DNA paternity test, no more reasons stand??? for jealousy, for as one “experience emotions because of the way one is educated”. Education today can give us the conviction of the possibility to give a rational evidence of paternity. But it is not clear how education can have an influence on such an innate, “biological” origin of jealousy.

For this reason, jealousy appears to be somehow a cognitive impenetrable state. It seems that education cannot penetrate so deeply inside us so to counteract an instinctive feeling. Is this the proof of the instinctive nature of jealousy, because an innate attitude takes over education and rational control? There are other aspects to consider before answering, for as some other factors participate to the formation of the emotional experience of jealousy.People who have been jealous have said its an un pleasant emotion.

There are two issues in favour of a cultural or social origin of jealousy. The first is that the narrative from which jealousy arises can be in great part made by the imagination. Imagination is strongly affected by the culture a person is inserted in. The reasoning method, the way one is inclined to infer thought or conclusions on facts, the way one perceive some situations depends strongly on cultural context. Let’s just think of the difference concerning jealousy in a monogamy and polygamy culture. Women accept or not such a relation depending on the way it is coded into their society. One could imagine that women in a polygamist culture probably are not forced to repress jealousy, they simply are not jealous. Moreover, consider the influence that stereotypes can have in the way we evaluate other people. Think of a new colleague of you wife; you can be jealous just because he is, for example, Italian and “You know what they say about Italians…”.

You expressed a judgement on a person based on no facts or experience, just on a general prejudice. This judgement is sufficient to cause jealousy. The second issue is a consideration about how to suppress jealousy. The characteristics that can put off jealousy are “chastity and modesty, that are artificial virtues, arising from education and the voluntary conventions of men, and the interests of society” (Goldie after Hume, 2000, p. 230). Besides, it is hard to find any natural characteristics that would put off jealousy. If it is possible to assume that the remedy for jealousy must have the same nature of jealousy, then it is possible to conclude that jealousy has a social origin. For the reason exposed before, this does not exclude the coexistence of different causes for jealousy.

Finally, it is possible to conclude that there is an innate character in jealousy, as seen in the discussion about the certitude of paternity. Education and social context cannot act on the instinctive drive to some jealous feeling. But it has been shown that jealousy is not merely the feeling of a simple emotion. A rational elaboration, influenced by social conventions, imagination and personal character comes along with the instinctive push. Its role is of the same importance. There is not a temporal sequence where one of these two traits of jealousy comes first and the other follows. On the contrary, we could imagine that the instinct of jealousy is “surrounded” by some cultural reasons that could lead to jealousy and some social ways to react to it. In turn, those reactions can be partly instinctive, because they depend on what has been defined as the emotional strength of a person. The two nature of jealousy communicate and influence each other.

Coping with jealousy

People who experience pathological jealousy, and people for whom jealousy triggers violence, may benefit from professional counseling. People who experience normal jealousy have at least nine strategies for coping with jealousy. The problem-solving strategies include: improving the primary relationship, interfering with the rival relationship, demanding commitment, and self-assessment. The emotion-focused strategies include: derogation of partner or rival, developing alternatives, denial/avoidance, support/catharsis, and appraisal challenge. These strategies are related to emotion regulation, conflict management, cognitive change, and ground rules for managing jealous competition. The most important thing to do about any feelings of jealousy is to first admit them, and then attempt to overcome them. Polyamory groups encourage the replacement of jealousy with compersion, or empathizing with a lover's joy with another lover.

Jealousy in the sciences

Psychology of jealousy

While mainstream psychology considers sexual arousal through jealousy a paraphilia (categorized as zelophilia), some authors on sexuality (Serge Kreutz, Instrumental Jealousy) have argued that jealousy in manageable dimensions can have a definite positive effect on sexual function and sexual satisfaction. Studies have also shown that jealousy sometimes heightens passion towards partners and increases the intensity of passionate sex.

Sociology of jealousy

Main article: Jealousy sociology

Anthropologists have claimed that jealousy varies across cultures. Cultural learning can influence the situations that trigger jealousy and the manner in which jealousy is expressed. Attitudes toward jealousy can also change within a culture over time. For example, attitudes toward jealousy changed substantially during the 1960s and 1970s in the United States. People in the United States adopted much more negative views about jealousy.

Jealousy in art

Main article: Jealousy in art

Jealousy is the powerful complex of emotions experienced at the loss, real or imagined, of something or someone you believe is yours, whereas envy concerns what you don’t have and would like to possess. Othello is filled with jealousy at the thought of losing Desdemona: Iago is consumed with envy of Othello’s prestige. Because jealous lovers tell multiple stories about those who arouse their jealousy, and because the emotion is so corrosive, jealousy is a common theme in literature, art, theatre, and film.

Jealousy in religion

Main article: Jealousy in religion

Jealousy in religion examines how the scriptures and teachings of various religions deal with the topic of jealousy. Religions may be compared and contrasted on how they deal with two issues: concepts of divine jealousy, and rules about the provocation and expression of human jealousy.

References

[10] Peter Goldie: The emotions, A philosophical Exploration – Oxford University press, 2000

[11] W. Gerrod Parrott: Emotions is Social Psychology – Psychology press, 2001

[12] Jesse J. Prinz: Gut Reactions, A perceptual Theory of Emotions – Oxford University press, 2004 ==

See also

Envy Jealousy definitions Jealousy delusion Jealousy sociology Jealousy in art Jealousy in religion Rival

Attachment in adults Compersion Emotion Monogamy Open marriage Penis envy Polyamory Sexual conflict

External links

• BBC: Jealousy
• Practical Jealousy Management, from a Polyamory website

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